Christy, how old are you again? - I'm 13.

So... It's been a ridiculously long time. This blog was meant to be something to keep everyone updated and informed about my new life with my husband in Texas. Sorry... I'm a slacker. So the punishment is that I have ALOT to type. And sorry that you have a lot to read. :o) Let me start off with I MISS MY FAMILY LIKE CRAZY!!! Texas will not be home for me. It just feels like a long "ok" vacation. I've had tons of friends and family tell me that I've grown up so much in the past 2 years. That I'm finally getting my blessings and all that I've worked for and deserved. I wish I saw what they saw. Since day one this has been a struggle for me. How come if "everything is good and a blessing" why am I struggling. Why do I feel like I'm in a constant battle to be happy and wear a smile on my face? I'm sure by the time I'm done with this blog I'll answer it myself like I always do. Like i said before this blog is like my own Therapy. Anyways, I've noticed that once one struggle is overcome the next one is right around the corner. No deep breaths. No time to let the feeling of accomplishment sink in. No time to relax or take it easy. No time to enjoy the sense of accomplishment. What does that feel like anyways? I feel like God sometimes expects to much of me OR either I underestimate myself constantly. He's always throwing things my way. Making me stronger yes BUT at the same time making me weak and tired. I shouldn't complain tho, right. I mean God knows what I can handle. So He won't give me more than I can handle. But man does he come close. Prayer apparently gets me in trouble. Haha. We want one thing, we ask for it then complain about the manner how it's "given" to us. I emphasized given because 99% of the time we have to work for it. I mean really. I know that God isn't just going to give me something cause I asked for it. He's gonna make sure that I KNOW what I'm asking for. It's like you asking your parents for something and they ask 2 or 3 times "are you sure you want that?" "You sure you know what you're doing?" OR maybe God is trying to get me to show that I'll do what it takes to get it cause that's how much it means to me. Don't give me that look... these are my conclusions. :o) I've said before that a couple of years ago when nothing was really going on in my life, day by day would go by with no challenges, that I wanted God to take me out of my shell. Take me places. USE ME! I felt ignored as a Child of God. I'd see daily that He was using others but not me. My life was at a stand still. I prayed for this for 2 YEARS......and holy crap BAM! I was knocked on my face! As soon as i got back up He was doing things and taking me here and there and putting all these people in my life! I constantly feel so overwhelmed. I've finally learned how to deal and cope with it. Deep Breaths.... live minute by minute. I can't plan a week in advance anymore.... it's literally minute by minute. On that note A.D.D sucks! I constantly see where and how I'm needed. It's hard for me to start one thing and finish it because I instantly see something or hear someone that needs me. whether it's an shoulder an ear or just the company. it's hard to be everywhere at once. BUT I make it a point to complete "God's missions" no matter how big or small or how important or not important it is before i go to another. This is much more of a challenge now being 18 hours away but it is still doable. It makes me wonder what God is going to do with me here. I've noticed that He has given me a few days to breath and to learn my surroundings and relax... how long this will last? I have noooo flippin idea. But with Him all things ARE possible AND accomplishable. So knowing that I say "I'm ready when You are!" :D However right now right in this very minute I am struggling with myself. Self doubt. Loneliness. Emotions. ACCEPTING the fact that God Himself put me here. He put me in this situation. He put me in this state. He took me away from my family. He now wants me to rely on myself and my husband BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY FULLY RELY ON HIM. I can't say that I wish i never even had the wings to jump from the nest because I know that God is and always will be my guardian and won't let anything happen to me. I figured it out! I'm scared. Without my parents I know have to fully rely on God. Apparently I've never done that before... I've relied on my parents. They always saved me. I know that this is hard for them too because they can't protect me anymore. I'm on my own. Like me they have to put all their trust in God. I'm NOT saying they don't.... I'm just saying that whether anyone knows that or not it's still hard.
Oh this Blog is going so many different places at once. I'm jumping all over but it's all coming out. You know what's weird. I look at people all the time and say "it must be great to be grown up and do what you want and make thing happen and go places." I honestly still see myself as a 13 year old. I still feel I can't do things because I'm to young or I don't have permission or cause I can't go past the end of the street. I'm in Texas! How many people wish they had this opportunity? I'm traveling! I'm meeting new people! Get to do amazing things. But i still feel like a kid. I don't know how I'll over come this. Maybe this is God's next mission for me. to discover like other people have, who I am and what I'm capable of. I've been bugging Gerard about a baby for the longest time and poor him when my Sister found out she was pregnant I bugged him more. The other day he told me he was ready. He wanted to start a family. After all our one year anniversary is next month. But when he told me this my heart stopped my stomach jumped and I lost all feeling in my body... it freaked me out. I told him no... I was too scared! I'm still 13... I can't have a baby! I can babysit them but I can't have my own! I felt like everyone still saw me as a 13 yr old and would think I couldn't handle it. and I believed them! I can't in anyway see myself with a baby. I'm too young. Too selfish. Too naive....

My problem... I underestimate myself.

God help me. Help me to see myself as who I am. Help me to see how strong you've made me. Help me to see the women I've become. God don't let me go but hold my hand along the way. Open my eye's to how far You've brought me. When I look in the mirror and see a 13 year old and all my flaws and fears I want You to show me the woman you've shaped and molded me to be. Help the light inside me come out for all to see but most importantly for me to see. God I don't believe this to be a selfish prayer. But a cry for help to make me see what You see in me. God use me and continue to shape and mold me. Don't ever let me become satisfied with who I am as a Christian. I want to continue to do you're works and never stop trying to be like you. Because when we get satisfied with ourselves we quit praying. we quit asking for your help. I never want to be satisfied. I always want to seek you and have a daily walk and relationship with You. Lord, I ask of this in Your name. Amen.

6 Days

Wow! Our apartment is an insane mess! Ha-ha. I'm getting excited and nervous and sad. I'm a hot mess. One thing that has made the past couple of days great is that my sister had her babyshower for little Kelly Jo. It was incredible! She had such a great time and it was great to see all the women in the family come together for a new life! Women from our side of the family and Josh's side of the family. Everyone "ooo'd" and "ahh'd" ( my bad on the spelling.... i haven't a clue) and even the silly "awww's" it was a good feeling. I looked around and this feeling kinda came over me.... i realized that all these women have given life and what a huge blessing it was. I realized that if God hadn't planned out all these women's lives and they hadn't trusted God then can you imagine what the numbers in that room would be? 1...2...3... maybe none. I thought back to my granny and all the stories she told me of her family and how her family is from Florida and that one decision someone made to come to South Carolina where she met my grandfather and decided to start a family and have five kids. where they grew up. where my dad met my mom and they decided to start a family and move to Georgia where Stephanie met josh and are now getting ready to have a little Kelly Jo. They each Trust God and had a relationship with him... it made me look at my life and my next move and not be so scared. Great things happen when you just follow Him. When you completely Trust in Him. So who knows what's in store for me. I'm always going to have my family and no matter where I am i know they are always going to have my back so why not go. well, better said, why not be happy about going. cause i kinda have to go. haha. anywho the baby shower really opened my eyes. Stephanie looks beautiful. she's such a pretty happy mommy-to-be. my mom and dad are oober excited! I'm excited... the pressure is off me and Gerard to have a baby lol. But we have talked about it and we both over excited about the thought of having kids... but we also sorta wanna live by ourselves alittle bit and have our happy alone time. you can call it selfish... I've been told that but i don't care. I'm only 24 and gerard is 25.... we have plenty of time. we were talking about trying summer of 2012. by then maybe gerard wont be as much as a big kid by then.... oh who am i kidding.... i love him!

22 Days

22 days and counting. Not so much excited. This is a first time in about 2 weeks. I thought that I was mentally prepared for the moved. I was excited, giddy, anxious.... but last night Gerard and I went to his last Softball game for the Air Force and everyone was telling us "bye", "Safe travels", "if i don't see you again have fun and keep in touch" it started to hit me. We really were moving and it's just around the corner. literally! On the ride home from the game last night i didn't talk. i started to cry. That started a long night of crying. I'd think about TX and get excited. New sites, new people, new adventure, new and different life with my husband, new puppy, a house of our own.... but then I'd think about the morning we would be leaving.... hugging mom, hugging dad and the tears started and wouldn't stop. i actually had to get out of bed and lay on the couch so i wouldn't keep Gerard up. I keep telling myself that I'll be back in 2 months when my niece is born and then for Christmas but i couldn't get that image of my hugging my parents and telling them bye out of my head. so then i thought don't tell them "bye" cause it's not appropriate anyways. I'm going to see them in 2 months so why not "see you soon" or "see you later", eh? makes sense to me.

To be honest I'm really excited the actual move. It's going to take me and Gerard to the next level. I'm so use to going to my parents for everything. I'm married and I still run to them. When we move I'm going to have to completely rely on my husband. Hello I'm married! should have doing that from the get go. but if you know me then you already know that i have been completely sheltered. I know Gerard has to feel a little left out, maybe umm discredited as a husband because I don't go running to him or relying on him like i should. actually making him feel like a husband/ provider/ protector etc. So moving will definitely be a huge advantage for our marriage.

like I said i am so excited about moving. there are so many pros. I'm just a little girl and I'm sad to be leaving my family. I told God before Gerard and I met that I willing and ready to make the sacrifices in my life and follow Him and grow.... jump in head first, but I didn't know I'd have to sacrifice my family. For most people this isn't a big deal. For me it's the biggest of all and God knows that. In my head I knew that i could never get by without my family. I couldn't handle life. I relied on them for everything. most important comfort and safety. Yep, God knows that too. I guess... no, i know He knows that I would couldn't grow, wouldn't allow myself to grow if I didn't come out from under my parents wings. I've told most people that I was suppose to be the daughter that happily has a family living next door or atleast in the same neighborhood as my parents. That's not growing. That's not trusting God and allowing Him let me grow as His child. As His child He "let me go" and trusted my parents to take care of me and give me that love, comfort and knowledge that only they could give to let me go to the next path God has laid out. Now that my parents has greatly accomplished this God has said "it's time. take everything your parents have taught you and jump from the nest. I promise you won't fall. I'll help you fly. AND I'll help you through the rough winds you'll encounter. I'll take care of you." Don't call me crazy for i have heard these words myself and with my faith I have I'll climb to the edge and without fear I'll jump and fly on my very own wings. The wings God gave me and the wings my parents helped grow and nurture.

Every time I post a blog and lay my heart out I actually see in words what's in my heart and head and it makes me feel way more comforted. I feel better about things. Stronger about them. I've always been a visual person... I need to blog more often. I start in one place and sorta end in another but it all makes sense to me. This isn't for the people who read it. It's for me. So if you do happened to read this and it doesn't make sense I'm sorry i can't help you. This is the only way I know and understand how to explain it.... to myself ;0)

That sucks

My husband and I has successfully manage to get rid of both our vehicles within a month. A month ago we traded in my 2005 Honda Civic for a 2012 Mustang GT. I have to add that it's a frickin manual that I somewhat know how to drive but am just to scared to drive alone. sooo i've been driving the F-150 that I wrecked yesterday and is believed to be totaled. I'm just very thankful that we did decide to trade in my civic and I was "stuck" driving the truck. because if i were driving civic yesterday i wouldn't be here to write this blog.

The story: a friend from work and I were going to the mall to pass out business cards. we were on south belair road (4 lanes) and there was a bus on the other side with lights flashing and stop sign out letting kids off on the other side of the road. so i stopped ( cause that's what you're suppose to do lol) and about 3 secs later we got reared by an explorer going at least 45 and never used her brakes. the only things i remember are people talking and asking me questions. i apparently was dazed. i looked over at Drea and they already had a neck brace on her and were putting something around her to brace her back. they were literally wrapping her up and tying her in it. i then remember them putting a brace around my neck. they put Drea on a stretcher and got her out. we had to wait on another ambulance for me because i had to go Eisenhower Hospital on Base. they loaded me on the stretcher and put me in an ambulance. i remember everything that happened in the ambulance and the hospital. one of the guys in the ambulance asked me "what year is it?" i said 2010. he then asked me who was president and i laughed and said obama. they both laughed at me and said "good girl" lol.

the hospital report said that i had neck strain and a mild concussion. they gave me some fantastic meds that made me waaaay loopy. lol. i'm doing well today. just sore and a small headache. my amazing hubby was able to get the night off work and stayed up all night to keep a close eye on me. i love him so much and has been babying me and giving me an unbeleiable about of attention. i love him so much and am so grateful for him. I thank God that Drea and I both are ok. like i said if we were in my civic we wouldn't have made it. I miss my car but am thankful God wanted to get it out of my life for a reason. i loved that little car. OMG and do you know what the crazy thing is?! Gerard and I went to the Lot to go take pictures of the car and were going home on bobby jones and i'm dozzing off and i hear Gerard say "there's your civic! No Joke!" i turn to look and it was my little civic going down bobby jones with a Bobby Jones Ford (where we traded it in for the mustang) temporary tag on the back with a new owner driving. it was so crazy!

Alittle over 3 months...

Recently, actually all the time, all i think about is leaving my family. I shed hundreds of tears everyday. I don't think I can do this but do i really have a choice. Growing up I never saw myself moving away from my family. I could always see myself going places and traveling just never actually moving. My husband, Gerard, received orders to TX a couple of months ago. I was angry at him for the longest time cause I saw him as the man taking me away from my family. I never, until now, saw him as the loving husband who was going to show me the world and give me opportunities that not only I dreamed of but my parents dreamed of for me. I just have to grow up and walk on my own 2 feet. I've never had to do that. This is a test of my faith and with God's comfort I know that I can do it.

I think I've done alot of growing up the past 2 years. It didn't hit me until I had a friend that said, "you've been through alot and yet you're stronger than ever." I never noticed until i reflected back. It started with God briefly placing one man in my life that lead to another. If it wasn't for the first I would never have found my rock... my husband. That is something else that completely blows my mind. As much as i went through with the first i have to admit i did get a back bone and a passion to go and get what I wanted. I found confidence that I never had. Confidence that lead me to Gerard. God places people in our lives for a season, a reason or a life time. Some people come into your life for a reason. God placed them there to share with you, make you learn and make you grow. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They teach you something you may never have done and something that nobody else no matter how hard they tried never could have taught you. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. I was given an unbelievable amount of joy. My need was met, me desire was filled. The prayer I sent up was answered. However I still struggle with this... as does anyone who loses someone unexpectedly. Their are always the "what if's" that we allow to cripple ourselves with. One can't help but think about it. We're all guilty. "What if I walked through that door instead of this one?" "What if I didn't leave that day?" "What if I had been a minute sooner?" we all do it. But then I step back and realize that God had all this planned out. Planned out from start to finish way before i was even thought of! He know's what He's doing. He's not stupid! He's the Alpha and the Omega! I'm the stupid one for even thinking the "what if's"! (It's amazing what i'm realizing as i type out this blog) God placed IN FRONT of me an amazing incredible life! And He's giving me opportunities that I need to be incredibly thankful for and counting my blessing! So I have to move temporarily from my family. They'll always be there for me and i know that because they have given me no reason to doubt that. I can call day or night and someone will always answer and i can always visit. my feet aren't going to be permanently planted in TX. Their are things there that God has to teach me and show me to allow me to grow closer to Him and experience life!

I always thought my life was in this little bubble. black and white. and i know right from wrong and my faith is strong. I didn't think i had any fears. i use to tell God i wanted to be tested. i want to show HIm how much i love and trust Him. Be careful what you ask for, right? cause He then started to shake things up a bit. He placed Abe was in my life to plant a seed of confidence and tell me about the world and give me a curiosity about it that would make me want to explore it. I dealt with death... something that never seems real until it happens to people you love. you question God. And that's what He wants because He can't just place something in your lap and you appreciate it. He gives to those who want and seek. then you appreciate it more. you understand. you learn. you talk to Him. you grow a relationship Him.... Trust... Faith. He then show's you He's in control. With what Abe gave me i went out, trusting and following God, and found my husband whom I love and adore. Gerard started a brand new chapter in what i feel is a new book... i feel like the point i'm at in my life now is only the beginning. the 1st chapter in my "grown up" book. God took my worst fear and is going to make me hit it head on. No baby steps. only leaps. I have to leave my family. if you were to talk to me i would make it seem like the end of the world. like God needs a laugh so lets absolutely terrify Christy. This is going to be a big test of faith for me. I know that God will help me through it and so will my family. but it's going to be a difficult road. Who knows. maybe i'm completely over reacting and i'll love every minute of it. we'll see. ;o)

In 2 yrs time i went from living a sheltered life safe in my little bubble to meeting and marrying my soul mate and moving away to stand on my own 2 feet. Psh i wanted to be the daughter that lived next door to her parents and knew where and what everything was around her. God has bigger plans for me! my family will always be there for me and He knows that... I know that... that's why he KNOWS it's time for me to jump off the nest and spread my wings and fly on the wings of faith He knows i have and that i'm ready to use. I'm excited and scared but God has my hand.

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:11-13