So... It's been a ridiculously long time. This blog was meant to be something to keep everyone updated and informed about my new life with my husband in Texas. Sorry... I'm a slacker. So the punishment is that I have ALOT to type. And sorry that you have a lot to read. :o) Let me start off with I MISS MY FAMILY LIKE CRAZY!!! Texas will not be home for me. It just feels like a long "ok" vacation. I've had tons of friends and family tell me that I've grown up so much in the past 2 years. That I'm finally getting my blessings and all that I've worked for and deserved. I wish I saw what they saw. Since day one this has been a struggle for me. How come if "everything is good and a blessing" why am I struggling. Why do I feel like I'm in a constant battle to be happy and wear a smile on my face? I'm sure by the time I'm done with this blog I'll answer it myself like I always do. Like i said before this blog is like my own Therapy. Anyways, I've noticed that once one struggle is overcome the next one is right around the corner. No deep breaths. No time to let the feeling of accomplishment sink in. No time to relax or take it easy. No time to enjoy the sense of accomplishment. What does that feel like anyways? I feel like God sometimes expects to much of me OR either I underestimate myself constantly. He's always throwing things my way. Making me stronger yes BUT at the same time making me weak and tired. I shouldn't complain tho, right. I mean God knows what I can handle. So He won't give me more than I can handle. But man does he come close. Prayer apparently gets me in trouble. Haha. We want one thing, we ask for it then complain about the manner how it's "given" to us. I emphasized given because 99% of the time we have to work for it. I mean really. I know that God isn't just going to give me something cause I asked for it. He's gonna make sure that I KNOW what I'm asking for. It's like you asking your parents for something and they ask 2 or 3 times "are you sure you want that?" "You sure you know what you're doing?" OR maybe God is trying to get me to show that I'll do what it takes to get it cause that's how much it means to me. Don't give me that look... these are my conclusions. :o) I've said before that a couple of years ago when nothing was really going on in my life, day by day would go by with no challenges, that I wanted God to take me out of my shell. Take me places. USE ME! I felt ignored as a Child of God. I'd see daily that He was using others but not me. My life was at a stand still. I prayed for this for 2 YEARS......and holy crap BAM! I was knocked on my face! As soon as i got back up He was doing things and taking me here and there and putting all these people in my life! I constantly feel so overwhelmed. I've finally learned how to deal and cope with it. Deep Breaths.... live minute by minute. I can't plan a week in advance anymore.... it's literally minute by minute. On that note A.D.D sucks! I constantly see where and how I'm needed. It's hard for me to start one thing and finish it because I instantly see something or hear someone that needs me. whether it's an shoulder an ear or just the company. it's hard to be everywhere at once. BUT I make it a point to complete "God's missions" no matter how big or small or how important or not important it is before i go to another. This is much more of a challenge now being 18 hours away but it is still doable. It makes me wonder what God is going to do with me here. I've noticed that He has given me a few days to breath and to learn my surroundings and relax... how long this will last? I have noooo flippin idea. But with Him all things ARE possible AND accomplishable. So knowing that I say "I'm ready when You are!" :D However right now right in this very minute I am struggling with myself. Self doubt. Loneliness. Emotions. ACCEPTING the fact that God Himself put me here. He put me in this situation. He put me in this state. He took me away from my family. He now wants me to rely on myself and my husband BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY FULLY RELY ON HIM. I can't say that I wish i never even had the wings to jump from the nest because I know that God is and always will be my guardian and won't let anything happen to me. I figured it out! I'm scared. Without my parents I know have to fully rely on God. Apparently I've never done that before... I've relied on my parents. They always saved me. I know that this is hard for them too because they can't protect me anymore. I'm on my own. Like me they have to put all their trust in God. I'm NOT saying they don't.... I'm just saying that whether anyone knows that or not it's still hard.
Oh this Blog is going so many different places at once. I'm jumping all over but it's all coming out. You know what's weird. I look at people all the time and say "it must be great to be grown up and do what you want and make thing happen and go places." I honestly still see myself as a 13 year old. I still feel I can't do things because I'm to young or I don't have permission or cause I can't go past the end of the street. I'm in Texas! How many people wish they had this opportunity? I'm traveling! I'm meeting new people! Get to do amazing things. But i still feel like a kid. I don't know how I'll over come this. Maybe this is God's next mission for me. to discover like other people have, who I am and what I'm capable of. I've been bugging Gerard about a baby for the longest time and poor him when my Sister found out she was pregnant I bugged him more. The other day he told me he was ready. He wanted to start a family. After all our one year anniversary is next month. But when he told me this my heart stopped my stomach jumped and I lost all feeling in my body... it freaked me out. I told him no... I was too scared! I'm still 13... I can't have a baby! I can babysit them but I can't have my own! I felt like everyone still saw me as a 13 yr old and would think I couldn't handle it. and I believed them! I can't in anyway see myself with a baby. I'm too young. Too selfish. Too naive....
My problem... I underestimate myself.
God help me. Help me to see myself as who I am. Help me to see how strong you've made me. Help me to see the women I've become. God don't let me go but hold my hand along the way. Open my eye's to how far You've brought me. When I look in the mirror and see a 13 year old and all my flaws and fears I want You to show me the woman you've shaped and molded me to be. Help the light inside me come out for all to see but most importantly for me to see. God I don't believe this to be a selfish prayer. But a cry for help to make me see what You see in me. God use me and continue to shape and mold me. Don't ever let me become satisfied with who I am as a Christian. I want to continue to do you're works and never stop trying to be like you. Because when we get satisfied with ourselves we quit praying. we quit asking for your help. I never want to be satisfied. I always want to seek you and have a daily walk and relationship with You. Lord, I ask of this in Your name. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment