Recently, actually all the time, all i think about is leaving my family. I shed hundreds of tears everyday. I don't think I can do this but do i really have a choice. Growing up I never saw myself moving away from my family. I could always see myself going places and traveling just never actually moving. My husband, Gerard, received orders to TX a couple of months ago. I was angry at him for the longest time cause I saw him as the man taking me away from my family. I never, until now, saw him as the loving husband who was going to show me the world and give me opportunities that not only I dreamed of but my parents dreamed of for me. I just have to grow up and walk on my own 2 feet. I've never had to do that. This is a test of my faith and with God's comfort I know that I can do it.
I think I've done alot of growing up the past 2 years. It didn't hit me until I had a friend that said, "you've been through alot and yet you're stronger than ever." I never noticed until i reflected back. It started with God briefly placing one man in my life that lead to another. If it wasn't for the first I would never have found my rock... my husband. That is something else that completely blows my mind. As much as i went through with the first i have to admit i did get a back bone and a passion to go and get what I wanted. I found confidence that I never had. Confidence that lead me to Gerard. God places people in our lives for a season, a reason or a life time. Some people come into your life for a reason. God placed them there to share with you, make you learn and make you grow. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They teach you something you may never have done and something that nobody else no matter how hard they tried never could have taught you. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. I was given an unbelievable amount of joy. My need was met, me desire was filled. The prayer I sent up was answered. However I still struggle with this... as does anyone who loses someone unexpectedly. Their are always the "what if's" that we allow to cripple ourselves with. One can't help but think about it. We're all guilty. "What if I walked through that door instead of this one?" "What if I didn't leave that day?" "What if I had been a minute sooner?" we all do it. But then I step back and realize that God had all this planned out. Planned out from start to finish way before i was even thought of! He know's what He's doing. He's not stupid! He's the Alpha and the Omega! I'm the stupid one for even thinking the "what if's"! (It's amazing what i'm realizing as i type out this blog) God placed IN FRONT of me an amazing incredible life! And He's giving me opportunities that I need to be incredibly thankful for and counting my blessing! So I have to move temporarily from my family. They'll always be there for me and i know that because they have given me no reason to doubt that. I can call day or night and someone will always answer and i can always visit. my feet aren't going to be permanently planted in TX. Their are things there that God has to teach me and show me to allow me to grow closer to Him and experience life!
I always thought my life was in this little bubble. black and white. and i know right from wrong and my faith is strong. I didn't think i had any fears. i use to tell God i wanted to be tested. i want to show HIm how much i love and trust Him. Be careful what you ask for, right? cause He then started to shake things up a bit. He placed Abe was in my life to plant a seed of confidence and tell me about the world and give me a curiosity about it that would make me want to explore it. I dealt with death... something that never seems real until it happens to people you love. you question God. And that's what He wants because He can't just place something in your lap and you appreciate it. He gives to those who want and seek. then you appreciate it more. you understand. you learn. you talk to Him. you grow a relationship Him.... Trust... Faith. He then show's you He's in control. With what Abe gave me i went out, trusting and following God, and found my husband whom I love and adore. Gerard started a brand new chapter in what i feel is a new book... i feel like the point i'm at in my life now is only the beginning. the 1st chapter in my "grown up" book. God took my worst fear and is going to make me hit it head on. No baby steps. only leaps. I have to leave my family. if you were to talk to me i would make it seem like the end of the world. like God needs a laugh so lets absolutely terrify Christy. This is going to be a big test of faith for me. I know that God will help me through it and so will my family. but it's going to be a difficult road. Who knows. maybe i'm completely over reacting and i'll love every minute of it. we'll see. ;o)
In 2 yrs time i went from living a sheltered life safe in my little bubble to meeting and marrying my soul mate and moving away to stand on my own 2 feet. Psh i wanted to be the daughter that lived next door to her parents and knew where and what everything was around her. God has bigger plans for me! my family will always be there for me and He knows that... I know that... that's why he KNOWS it's time for me to jump off the nest and spread my wings and fly on the wings of faith He knows i have and that i'm ready to use. I'm excited and scared but God has my hand.
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:11-13
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